The Rainbow Resilience Foundation

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Understanding Abuse

Shining a Light on What Should Never Be Hidden

Abuse takes many forms—and recognizing it is the first step toward healing. You deserve to understand what you’ve been through or are going through. At The Rainbow Resilience Foundation, we believe that knowledge is power. This page is here to help you identify the signs, patterns, and impact of abuse so you can name your experience and start reclaiming your life—on your terms.
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What Is Abuse? A Guide for Men

Abuse doesn’t always look like what we’re taught to expect. It isn’t limited to physical violence, and it can happen to anyone—no matter your size, strength, or background. For many men, recognizing abuse is the hardest step because society rarely talks about male victims. This guide is here to help you identify the signs, understand the dynamics of abuse, and know that support is available. You deserve safety, respect, and the chance to heal.

Domestic Abuse Is Real for Men Too

1 in 7 men experience severe physical violence from an intimate partner, and 1 in 10 face rape, physical violence, and/or stalking. Abuse can happen to anyone—regardless of gender, size, strength, or status.

What Domestic Abuse Really Is

Abuse is a pattern of controlling behavior aimed at gaining power over a partner. It’s not about anger—it’s about control. Abuse is not something only women experience, or something you can prevent by being “good enough.” It is not your fault. Abuse is any behavior that intimidates, manipulates, isolates, or harms you. It’s a choice made by the abuser.

Types of Abuse Men Experience

Physical

Hitting, slapping, kicking, using weapons, preventing escape, destroying property, or harming pets.

Emotional

Name-calling, humiliation, threats, isolation, controlling where you go or who you see, monitoring communications.

Sexual

Coercion, forced sex, refusal to practice safe sex, guilt-tripping, threatening infidelity.

Financial

Controlling money, sabotaging jobs, stealing, running up debt in your name.

Digital

Tracking your location, demanding passwords, monitoring devices, sharing intimate content without consent.

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Warning Signs

  • You feel afraid to disagree or bring up certain topics
  • You walk on eggshells to avoid their anger
  • You feel isolated or monitored
  • You question your memory or sanity
  • You feel nothing you do is good enough

What Abuse Can Look Like

  • Same-sex relationships: Threats to "out" you, identity attacks, isolating you from LGBTQ+ support
  • Heterosexual relationships: Masculinity attacks, false accusations, custody threats
  • Age-gap relationships: Using experience, money, or status to control, grooming, isolating you from peers

You Are Not to Blame

The abuse isn’t because you’re “too sensitive” or “not man enough.” The abuser’s actions are their choice—not your responsibility.

Who Gets Abused?

Men of all ages, backgrounds, and identities. Abuse doesn’t discriminate.

Why Men May Not See It as Abuse

  • "Men can’t be victims" — false; anyone can be abused
  • "Real men fight back" — fighting back can worsen danger or legal risk
  • "She’s smaller, so it doesn’t count" — abuse is about harm, not size
  • "If you don’t like it, just leave" — leaving is often the most dangerous time

You Deserve Better

Respect. Safety. Freedom. Support. Help is available. Recognizing abuse is the first step toward healing—you are not alone.

What You Can Do

  • In immediate danger: Call 911, get to safety, contact trusted people
  • Not immediate danger: Call 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788
  • Document incidents, seek local domestic violence resources, talk to a counselor or doctor

Abuse by Proxy and Legal Harassment
How Abusers Use Others to Control

Abuse doesn’t always come directly from an abuser. Many extend their harm through others—friends, family, professionals, or the legal system—who act as their messengers, spies, or enforcers. These “flying monkeys” can be manipulated into helping the abuser, or they may willingly take part. Recognizing these tactics is essential for protecting yourself.

Flying monkeys are people the abuser recruits to continue harassment, pressure, or control. They may spread lies, gather personal details, or guilt you into reconciling. Some mean well but are misled; others actively support the abuser’s agenda.

Abusers often present themselves as the victim, telling dramatic half-truths that paint you as dangerous or unstable. They might claim to worry about your mental health, the children’s safety, or their own wellbeing, convincing others to intervene or spy on you.

Be on the lookout for the following:
* Well-meaning family or friends misled by false stories
* New partners, friends, or relatives who take the abuser’s side
* Professionals like lawyers or therapists manipulated into supporting false claims
* People who enjoy drama or fear the abuser themselves

This happens when others are used to keep you under control. Abusers may have people monitor you, pressure you emotionally, interfere at work, or spread rumors in your community. They can manipulate social groups, use kids to pass messages, or escalate online harassment.

Abusers may misuse the legal system to drain you financially, delay justice, or damage your credibility. They might file baseless complaints, stall proceedings, or manipulate custody battles. This keeps you entangled and overwhelmed, even after leaving the relationship.

  • Limit what you share with anyone who could report back
  • Document all interactions, harassment, and legal actions
  • Set clear boundaries and be cautious about who you trust
  • Seek legal help to request protections against third-party harassment
  • Build a small, trusted support network that understands abuse dynamics

It can feel isolating when people you once trusted turn against you under the abuser’s influence. Focus on healing, creating firm boundaries, and surrounding yourself with people who truly support your safety and wellbeing. Help is available. Call 1-800-799-7233 for confidential support.

Types of Abuse

Abuse is never acceptable. It isn’t always visible—and it doesn’t always leave bruises. Understanding the different ways it can show up is the first step toward recognizing, naming, and challenging it.

Put-downs, manipulation, silent treatment, gaslighting, and consistent efforts to make you feel worthless or confused.

Hitting, shoving, choking, restraining, or any use of physical force intended to harm or control.

Any unwanted sexual contact, coercion, or exploitation—especially when consent is manipulated or disregarded.

Yelling, name-calling, threats, mocking, and ongoing criticism that tears down your self-worth.

Controlling your money, limiting access to bank accounts, sabotaging employment, or stealing your resources

Monitoring your phone, reading your messages, tracking your location, or using technology to harass or control you.

Isolating you from friends, family, or support systems—either by force or manipulation.

A pattern of behaviors that strip you of your independence—controlling what you wear, where you go, who you see, and what you say.

Using faith or identity-based beliefs to shame, silence, or manipulate you.

Instilling fear, guilt, or self-doubt to erode your sense of self and reality over time.

Coping With Abuse When It's Not Safe to Leave

Leaving an abusive relationship is often the most dangerous time for victims. If you’re reading this while still in an abusive situation, please know that your survival instincts may be keeping you alive. You are not weak, foolish, or enabling abuse by staying when leaving isn’t safe or possible.
Valid Reasons Men Stay in Abusive Relationships
  • Safety concerns: threats to harm you, your children, or pets; fear of weapons or stalking
  • Financial entrapment: stolen money, ruined credit, or supporting dependents
  • Legal and custody fears: threats of losing your kids, false accusations, or immigration worries
  • Social and family pressure: cultural expectations, shame, isolation
  • Practical barriers: nowhere safe to go, health issues, caregiving responsibilities
Immediate Safety Strategies
  • Learn triggers, stay near exits, avoid rooms with weapons
  • Keep phone charged, keys accessible
  • Teach kids code words, safety plans, and 911 calling
Documentation and Planning
  • Keep records safely off shared devices
  • Store evidence with a trusted person or in secure storage
  • Save small amounts of cash if possible
When Danger Escalates
If you fear for your life or violence escalates, call 911. For confidential help anytime, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.
Contact the Hotline

The Truth Behind Abuse Myths About Men

Misconceptions keep male victims from getting help. It’s time to break them down. Abuse is about power and control—not about gender, size, or strength. Knowing the truth helps end silence and opens the door to support.
Myth

Men are too strong to be abused

Truth

Abusers use weapons, surprise attacks, and threats that overpower physical strength

Myth

He’d just leave if it were real abuse

Truth

Men stay because of danger, financial traps, custody fears, stigma, and trauma bonds

Myth

A real man would fight back

Truth

Fighting back can make things worse, risk arrest, or harm children

Myth

Men can handle it on their own

Truth

Abuse causes PTSD, depression, health problems—help is strength

Myth

Abuse only happens to weak men

Truth

Victims include veterans, athletes, and leaders—abuse is about control

Myth

Men can’t be raped

Truth

Sexual assault against men is real and traumatic

Myth

Men always want sex

Truth

Consent matters for everyone

Myth

Women don’t abuse men

Truth

Female perpetrators use violence, threats, and control like any abuser

Myth

Female violence isn’t serious

Truth

Female abusers can cause severe harm

Myth

It’s just fighting, not abuse

Truth

Abuse is abuse, no matter the relationship

Myth

Police and courts don’t help men

Truth

With evidence, male victims can get protection and custody

Myth

There’s nowhere for men to turn

Truth

Support exists—hotlines, counseling, legal help, and some shelters

What Matters Most
Male victims deserve safety, dignity, and healing. Support is out there. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788.

How to Support Male Survivors with Care and Concern

Helping male domestic violence survivors starts with creating a space where they feel safe, believed, and in control. It’s about listening, validating, and offering support without pressure. Your role is to connect them to help—not to fix their situation.

Start by building an environment where they can speak openly without fear of judgment.
• Choose a private, quiet place with no distractions
• Let them decide where to sit and what feels comfortable
• Use calm, open body language
• Acknowledge how hard it is to talk about these experiences

Focus on support rather than interrogation.
• “How are you really doing?”
• “You can share as much or as little as you want.”
• Ask what they need or how they feel, not why they stay

Remind them their experience is real and worthy of support.
• “What you’re describing sounds really difficult.”
• “Your feelings are valid, and none of this is your fault.”
• “Men can be victims too. Getting help is a sign of strength.”

Pay attention to cues about whether they’re ready to open up.
• Signs they’re ready: relief, steady eye contact, relaxed posture, asking for help
• Signs they’re not: short answers, changing the subject, visible anxiety

Let them set the pace and guide next steps.
• “What would feel most helpful right now?”
• “Would you like help exploring options?”
• “You’re in charge of what happens next.”

If they’re not ready to talk, honor that. When safety is a concern, offer gentle help.
• “Do you feel safe at home?”
• “Is there somewhere you can go if you need to leave quickly?”
• Offer to help contact resources or sit with them while they do
Remember: Your job is to listen and connect them to professionals. Keep local and national domestic violence resources on hand, including those that serve men.

Solutions Start Here

You don’t have to face this alone. Our support is tailored for male survivors of abuse, offering real tools for real change. From immediate safety to long-term healing, here’s how we help:
Emergency Housing

Safe, confidential shelter when you need it most.

Crisis Counseling

Identity-affirming, trauma-informed emotional support available right away.

Legal Advocacy

Help navigating restraining orders, custody concerns, or protective actions.

Mental Health Support

Access to LGBTQ+-competent therapists who understand your story.

Financial Assistance

Emergency funds and budgeting support during times of transition.

Safety Planning

Personalized strategies to protect yourself now and moving forward.

Support Groups

Community spaces to connect, heal, and find solidarity with others who understand.

Hotline & Text Support

Immediate, judgment-free connection with trained advocates ready to help.

What Sets Us Apart

Support shouldn’t be one-size-fits-all. That’s why at The Rainbow Resilience Foundation, we connect male survivors of abuse—including those in the LGBTQ+ community—with resources built by those who’ve lived it. We go beyond responding to crisis situations to help redefine what authentic healing can look like.
Built by Survivors, for Survivors

Our foundation was created by people who have lived through abuse and know the road to healing. Every program is shaped with empathy, honesty, and hard-won insight.

Centered on Male Survivors

We focus on an underserved population often excluded from mainstream support. You are not invisible here—you are the reason we exist.

Culturally-Aware & Trauma-Informed

Abuse impacts everyone differently. We consider gender, race, identity, and past trauma in all we do, ensuring care that’s safe, inclusive, and affirming.

A Full Spectrum of Support

From emergency housing to legal help and counseling, we connect survivors to the right resources fast. Our goal is to rebuild—not just respond.

Driven by Advocacy & Awareness

We’re more than a service hub—we’re a movement. Through storytelling, education, and outreach, we’re breaking stigma and shifting the narrative around male victimhood.

What Sets Us Apart

Support shouldn’t be one-size-fits-all. That’s why at The Rainbow Resilience Foundation, we connect male survivors of abuse—including those in the LGBTQ+ community—with resources built by those who’ve lived it. We go beyond responding to crisis situations to help redefine what authentic healing can look like.
Built by Survivors, for Survivors

Our foundation was created by people who have lived through abuse and know the road to healing. Every program is shaped with empathy, honesty, and hard-won insight.

Centered on Male Survivors

We focus on an underserved population often excluded from mainstream support. You are not invisible here—you are the reason we exist.

Culturally-Aware & Trauma-Informed

Abuse impacts everyone differently. We consider gender, race, identity, and past trauma in all we do, ensuring care that’s safe, inclusive, and affirming.

A Full Spectrum of Support

From emergency housing to legal help and counseling, we connect survivors to the right resources fast. Our goal is to rebuild—not just respond.

Driven by Advocacy & Awareness

We’re more than a service hub—we’re a movement. Through storytelling, education, and outreach, we’re breaking stigma and shifting the narrative around male victimhood.

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Educate and Validate

Every survivor’s story is different, but all are valid. Abuse can be subtle or severe, quick or long-term. If you see yourself in any of these descriptions, know that you are not alone. Understanding what happened is part of reclaiming your voice—and your future.
Reach Out Today
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